I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
Randomize
