Sponge bath it is.
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Randomize
