just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
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