I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
Prereq for being on nyc prep: money, bitchy, and a lazy eye... if only you were rich
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Randomize
