hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
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