I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
Yes, that's a picture of my balls. It isn't however an answer to my question.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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