you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
Randomize
