Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Randomize
