Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
Randomize
