I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
