she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
