My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Randomize
