Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
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