He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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