I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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