I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
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