I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
I know it's anime porn but I promise you the guy looks like Fred Durst
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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