K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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