I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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