There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
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