shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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