mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Randomize
