i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
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