they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
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