I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
