i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
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