she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Randomize
