M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
Someone came in the potted fern
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
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