I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
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