According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
your like the ambassador to my penis.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
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