Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
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