I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
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