i wish there were pregnant emoticons
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
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