Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
