Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize
