The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
