Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
Randomize
