I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Randomize
