You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
