well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
Where are you guys?
Drunk
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