so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
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