so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
Randomize
