i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
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