I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
