just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
I'm both gender and math confused
Randomize
