He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Randomize
