So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
just as he was about to cum he started shouting "I THINK I CAN! I THINK I CAN!" over and over again.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
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