My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
