Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
Randomize
