I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
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