Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
idea:have a jello shot stand(opposed to lemonade stand) to raise money for spring break
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Randomize
