that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Randomize
