dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
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