Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
