I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
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I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
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I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
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