I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
Randomize
