I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize
