You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
Well regardless of which drugs we choose to do tonight until four in the morning, we are having a wii bowling championship. So choose carefully.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
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They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
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I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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