I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
Randomize
