I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
